Action Movies!… Suck Because of Fitness.

Wrap your head around this:

Think about some of the popular action movies ever. I don’t know about all of my fitness hating readers but, a good portion of my childhood was spent watching Arnold beat the living crap out of people. Or watching Stalone shoot about 50 billion rounds of ammunition into a bunch of commies. Those were the days.

I don’t know whats more awesome, the fact that he is about to cut that guys head off or the fact that the expression on his face suggests that he is having absolutely no moral issues with cutting that guys head off.

Now, I want you to think very hard about some recent action movies that have come out. Think about the actors Hollywood has been casting to portray these icons of American badassery. Lets take one of the highest grossing superhero movies of the 2000’s. Who esle embodys super-human ability, fearlessness, and bravey more than the likes of… Tobey-effing-Maquire????????

Oh. Em. Gee. He is so fit. Assuming this scene was real and he did get himself wipped into shape for the movie, how in the hell are we supposed to believe that someone as skinny as a toothpick is going to defend the city-folk from super villians. I don’t know about you but, I would much rather root for Doctor Octopus (kinda fat guy with evil giant robot arms that could provide endless hours of bottle opening,college party tricks) than a Spiderman that looks like he could comfortably exchange outfits with Spiderwoman.

By the way, here is a comparision of Spiderman on-screen and in the offseason:

Sigh… if only he did one more cycle of P90X…

This has to be an extreme example. This can’t be happening to us in every recent action movie. Enter Matt Damon and the “Borne” movies. In case you didn’t know, Matt Damon makes action movies now. If this doesn’t make you pissed off, then you never saw “Stuck On You.” Here is a clip of Matt Damon’s acting skills:

The only glimmer of hope (to me anyway) for action movies recently was the release of “The Expendables.” I was more jacked up than words could ever describe. For those of you that have not seen the movie, just look at this:

It features basically every badass in every action movie since 1980. How could this fail? It’s even got Arnold in it, for God’s sake!!!!How could this not be the best action movie ever made????!!!!! Well, I will tell you how. Within the first one minute of the movie, there is already more plastic surgery than every combined second of the entire Sex and The City series. Also, the only aspect of the movie that was more lifeless than the expressions on the actors faces was the plot. Fitness, and some useless misguided drive to retain youth, has ruined most of these actors. Thus, ruining there ability to even be a little bit badass in an action movie. The whole thing was actually pretty depressing.

If you feel the same way I do let me know and boycott these testosterone-lowering atrocities. I haven’t completely lost faith yet but, until we start getting some real action movie stars back, we will just have to keep watching Commando over and over and over again:

Lean Out, Get Pasty, Become Spiderman, Then Get Fat Again… wait, what?

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