Wellness is Stupid.

I am going to quote the most credible source of all things wellness related, www.definitionofwellness.com to shed some light on exactly what the hell wellness entails:

What is the definition of wellness? More than ever before, we hear this word in the news, on billboards, in conversation and even at work. Interestingly, there is no universally-accepted definition of wellness. There is, however, a set of common characteristics seen in most thoughtful attempts at a definition of wellness. We generally see a reference to a “state of well-being,” which is vague, to say the least. Also frequently seen is a “state of acceptance or satisfaction with our present condition.”

The truth is wellness is a tough word to define. That said, we’ll leave it to Charles B. Corbin of Arizona State University who gives this definition of wellness: “Wellness is a multidimensional state of being describing the existence of positive health in an individual as exemplified by quality of life and a sense of well-being.”

There we go. Now it’s all clear. Wellness depends on the individual. For example, a person who is at his or her highest sense of well-being when they are eating well, exercising, and managing their stress efficiently is at the same level of wellness as a serial killer that gets gratification out of adding another layer to his winter human skin parka. I hope to sweet baby Jesus that Mr. Charles B. Corbin doesn’t teach any classes or interact with any students at ASU.

Charles B. Corbin, Director of Vague-ology, Arizona State University and proud father of that dancing guy from the Six Flags commercial.
Charles B. Corbin, Director of Vague-ology, Arizona State University and proud father of that dancing guy from the Six Flags commercial.

Maybe I am not being fair here. Surely, since the first paragraph of this terrible website mentions how multi-dimensional wellness is, the many dimensions of it will be listed and explained. Well, here they are:

In summation, an accurate description of wellness is an impossible journey that ultimately leaves with your shit more un-together than when you started seeking it out. The only people on earth with all of these factors figured out are one of the following:

  • Someone trying to sell you into a pyramid scheme
  • A pathological liar
  • A survivor of a recently traumatic situation that keeps telling everyone how “fine” they are
  • A bat shit crazy person
  • A formally bat shit crazy person that is now heavily medicated

The sliding scale of wellness looks more and more like spiraling down a deep well of mental illness rather than something you should be striving for. The further I get into this site and others like it, I find myself becoming more curious as to how close I am to being insane enough to be considered “well.” I like to think of myself as a pretty even keeled, well adjusted person. Sure, I throw out the occasional horribly inappropriate dead baby joke, I curse more than I use actual words, and I passively elude to killing myself several times a day, but otherwise, I am doing just dandy. So, this exact same nonsense pit of bullshit mouth vomit also contains a survey to see how many of their programs you need to buy to attain Zen-like wellness.


Well, that is a soul rendering nightmare line of questioning. How did you fair? Are you well? Or are you wellnessed? Every single aspect of this survey left me with some questions. I could literally tear apart every single line of this thing, but I think I will just pick one from each section and explain how even the way wellness is standardly quantified is completely stupid.

Emotional: I am able to deal with day-to-day pressures. This is not exactly something you can grade on a scale from one to five. I think a scale of hermit to overly-enthusiastic-retired-cat-lady-at-the-gym would be more appropriate. “Are you able to deal.” If you are reading this, then yes. Congrats. You can deal with life and the stress involved because you are alive. The fact that you were searching for “fitness” advice, found this site, and made it this far proves that you can handle whatever stress you are currently under right now. If you were stressing about making it through another bout of chemo or how to keep a typhoid outbreak from spreading in your village, you’d be a little too pre-occupied to give a shit about what some jerk ass thinks about jogging on the internet. Most day to day pressure is a result of how you react to situations. What’s the best way to handle your individual stress? How the hell should I know? I am not a life coach. Personally, the higher my deadlift gets, the less stupid situations bother me. It’s amazing how easy it is to dissociate from that lady you hate at work or an overbearing boss when the stinging in your hands from sharp bar knurling a day after you picked up some inhuman amount of weight still hurts so bad that you can’t even wrap your meat paws around a pencil.

Intellectual: I have read a non-fiction book (not for class) in the last six months. This one was just confusing with all of the step by step guides available for making explosives out of household products or what over the counter medicines you can take to get legally high.

On a scale from one to five, I rate this book my face is melting into a unicorns iphone.
On a scale from one to five, I rate this book my face is melting into the mane of my unicorn.

Social: I am skillful in human relations. Short of you maintaining an underground prison/sex dungeon or “introducing yourself” to new friends by immediately throwing your own poop at them, I think you will be able to circle a five on this one. Circling a “one” for this question only makes sense if you are a recently unfrozen cave man that survived the ice age or if you primarily communicate using guttural noises and lots of fast hand gestures.

Physical: Every single question. The escalating feeling of “what the hell am I reading” was too overwhelming to limit this to just one question. Asking if you know ways to handle stress along with smoking and drinking habits in the same section is pretty stupid. Those two activities are typical outlets in stressful situations for most people. So, you can feel like you handle your stress well by binge drinking and smoking. But, if you only binge drink and smoke when you are stressed, that still gives you 13 points towards your wellness score on this dumbass survey. Also, I am willing to bet that the majority of morbidly obese people “exercise regularly” according to this. 20-30 minutes 3 times a week? That still leaves 167.5 hours a week to be an awful person. Unless it is a literal sprint as fast as you possibly can for 30 straight minutes 3 times a week, that is not enough exercise for anyone that is taking their “Physcial Wellness” (whatever the hell that means) very seriously.

Spiritual: This is going to piss someone off… This section needs to be retitled: “How much of an asshole are you?” I don’t know what kind of non-meat eating human put this part of the survey together, but this is nuts. The total lack of logical, rational thought that goes into wellness makes me hope that I am dying of something terrible and don’t know about it. In this, the spiritual section of questioning, all of these questions basically ask how much you judge other people and then tells you you’re a bad person for it. But, this survey is judging you by deducting points based on how judgmental you are? Wellness is not only hypocritical, it is also a real butthead sometimes.

Occupational: They forgot something kind of important. At no point in this section is there a question pertaining to whether or not you are currently employed. So, the only real facet of occupational wellness that matters is your theoretical understanding of what having a job might feel like. Not your actual ability to have and maintain employment? Since the rest of this survey seems like questions you have to answer to access Narnia, why shouldn’t this section have any less make-believe than the rest of this disaster?

Environmental: The culmination of how stupid all this really is. If you really cared about the environment, you wouldn’t be reading this. You would have recognized long ago that humans are destroying this planet at an alarming almost unstoppable rate and you would have done your part to save it by jumping off a cliff. Everything every single human does every day leaves a giant carbon footprint right on mother natures ass. Your awareness of how bad we are screwing up the ground beneath our feet is somehow some measure of wellness? This whole section should be measured in levels of sheer terror. “Our planet will be destroyed soon and we don’t have a back up, how pants crappingly scary is this on a scale of 1 to 5.” “From 1 to 5, how many people are you willing to eat once the food supply runs out.” But, don’t worry. If you scored a 5 on recycling, I’m sure whatever is left of society will make you it’s king once we run out of gas and fresh water. Until we find a way to recycle people for fuel and food, we are doomed no matter what.

Not only would the zombie apocalypse solve all of our environmental problems, it would also make Subway edible.
Not only would the zombie apocalypse solve all of our environmental problems, it would also make Subway edible.

Wellness, in all it’s undefinable, arbitrary glory is something every person should attain. Or, not attain? I don’t even know. I seriously googled definition of wellness to find a clear cut explanation, but all I got Dr. Crobin B. Bullshit and some silly website pushing whatever the hell Dr. Oz thinks is relevant this week. With wellness seeming more like a freight train of uncertainty taking you to a magic, emotionless world where everything is supremely “ok, I guess” all the time, why is everyone looking for this? Striving for it? No one can even give a reasonable explanation of what it is without drawing parallels to how “well” the completely insane, the psychopathic, and the head of your local pyramid scheme regional sales office are just as “wellnessed” as actual decent human beings.

Next time someone uses the word “wellness” for anything, ask them to define it. No matter what the response is, punch them in the face as hard as you can while they are in mid-sentence. When they regain consciousness, tell them this was contributing to your environmental wellness because the bullshit spilling out of their mouth was damaging the atmosphere.

My definition of wellness: Working hard enough to allow yourself to be able to do and excel at the things you love, with people that you deem important to you, while not being a total a-hole to other people. Meet those three things for every second of every day of your life and you will be well enough.

I scored a 112 on the survey.

Sprint. Kill. Eat the well.


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