The core musculature is designed to do several extremely important jobs for human beings:
- Fight unnecessary rotation
- Fight the force of gravity
- Support the spine
- Grossing friends out immediately after asking “wanna see my hairy bagel?”
- Transferring force
- Deflecting punches when engaging in Crocodile Dundee style drinking games
- Abs are the reason Magic Mike was a movie
- To completely inundate the internet with horrible information on how to train your core by either some rail thin 15 year old or a know nothing trainer that’s roided out of their skulls, claiming their patented program gave them “shredded, striated, borderline illegal abs.”
If you have read anything I have written on here already, you know I think crunches are asinine. They promote frailty and weakness. They put you in positions that mimic the moment right before the moment a person is murdered in some horrible way. Also, they are easy. Nothing easy is ever good for you.
So, here are a couple of soul rendering exercises that will train you to the level of future civilizations writing songs and telling tales of how absolutely shredded you were when you roamed the earth strangling grizzly bears with just your six pack and winning ab flex offs against silverback gorillas.
1. 40 Yards of Pain– A 40 yard dash. Nothing too crazy here, right? Before you start thinking I have lost my mind and have just written this post to screw with people, The End. Thanks for reading.
Just kidding. This is a 40 yard dash were you clear the distance by only broad jumping. Your goal should be to go from start to finish in as few jumps as possible. That means you are going to have to stop and reset with each jump because you want each jump to be the furthest you can possible throw your body through the air. If you half ass this, you’ll limit your hip extension and completely ruin the exercise… and I will kill a kitten for every rep where you don’t try your hardest.
2. 40 Yards of Death– This one is for time and you are doing kneeling broad jumps. Yes, you start on your knees, throw your hips forward, and broad jump to your feet. Time this one and constantly try to beat it. This just makes it more horrible feeling and, thus, better for you. Again, focus on max distance with each jump.
3. 200% Effort– People will argue that you can’t give 200% effort. I feel like if someone ever figures out how to, some space time paradox will take place and all existence will be wiped out in a nightmarish conflagration that pulls our strands of DNA apart one at a time until we melt into puddles and boil to evaporation. Come to think of it, that might happen anyway if you try what I am about to suggest. This is a front squat hold… with 200% of your current max. Now, I have not worked all the way up to this. So, if you try it and die, that’s on you. I have worked up to 650lbs and it felt like a poorly executed suicide attempt. Focus on keeping the core tight and I suggest only going to 6 seconds max. Anymore than that and you seriously might just die.
4. Uneven Farmers Walks– This is pretty simple. Grab a weight in one hand, hold it down at your side, and then walk somewhere with it. The goal here is symmetry and midline stabilization. Go as heavy as you possibly can without compromising position. If you have to compensate to one side or the other to keep from flipping over, then stop being a meathead and drop the weight.
5. Uneven Overhead Farmers Walks– Same rules as above only the weight is now being held at full extension overhead. If you can’t lock your arm all the way out, then it is too heavy and you should probably break out the little pink rubber coated dumbbells.
I have seriously got an encyclopedia of screwed up exercises. These are just a few of the more awesome ones. Nothing too earth shattering or ground breaking. But, these are hard. You have to work hard to do the exercises correctly. Working intensely makes reaching any goal a much faster process. Especially when it comes to developing hawt abzzz. Don’t forget to not each a bunch of crappy food too. That’s kind of important as well.
Enjoy! Disclaimer: If you are injured trying any of this stuff you probably didn’t attack it aggressively enough. Try harder next time.
Sprint. Kill. Eat. Try Harder.