Starting My Own Powerlifting Federation

Now, I know this is going to make some people angry. I understand. I used to think like you. I used to think the sheer number of federations is one of the biggest limiting factors to powerlifting ever being a truly unified sport. There have always been things lacking to me. I have always felt all of the current federations do not offer enough “extremes” in terms of the geared/raw spectrum. Below I will outline what qualifies as geared vs raw competition in the new FPL (Foraging Power League).

RAW

Lifters will have a 2 hour weigh-in. Once their weight is established, it will be recorded on the score sheet. No need to submit opening attempts because the weight will already be set. Once the lifters have had time to warm-up, they will be given a book of matches and a dull climbers knife. Upon retrieval of their equipment, they will turn over all of their clothes to a judging official. From this point, the lifter is blindfolded, led into a random area of the arena (to be no smaller than 500 acres of heavily wooded forest), and shot in the non-dominant leg. The lifter then has 3 months to recover from the traumatic gunshot wound, survive, and forage for the randomly placed pre-loaded barbells throughout the arena. The gunshot wound can be bandaged with a non elastic covering that will not exceed 3 inches above or below the wound. The lifter who forages the most weight while losing the most body weight during the 3 month period is the winner. No clothes can be worn when actually performing the lifts but simple hand made Neanderthal loin clothes are permitted during winter months. You are allowed to kill other lifters in the arena as long as you cook and eat them afterwards.

GEARED

When filling out your entry form for the competition, you will record your own bodyweight and all three of your attempts on each lift. The lifter that writes down the highest total is the winner. Best lifter will be awarded to whichever lifter has the prettiest handwriting.

 

I think we can all agree, this is a huge defining step for powerlifting.

 

Solum Per Exitum. Its like the Hunger Games but more murdery.

 

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