Stuff That Doesn’t Suck: Theanine – Saving You From Caffeine Induced Insanity

If you’re anything like me, you also play a daily game of Russian Roulette with your caffeine intake. Although there is droves of research out there supporting the positive health and performance effects well timed caffeine dosing has on the mind and the body, basically mainlining café Americanos every waking moment might cause some deleterious affects to your body, stupid feelings, and plumbing. So, instead of suggesting you cut back, I am going to suggest a supplement you can cram down your cram hole that might be capable of switching off many of the negative stuff that happens when you try to drown the fog created by your all night Netflix and chill bender or your search for the perfect kill room location or whatever, with gallons of black gold.

"All this murdering sure would be easier if I didn't have these darn coffee jitters!"
“All this murdering sure would be easier if I didn’t have these darn coffee jitters!”


Enter Theanine.

Long/complicated mechanism of action in short:

  • 200mg (even though up to 1,200mg is well tolerated) when paired with caffeine ingestion can help with some of the caffeine induced jitters and anxiety. Also, when paired, increases have been seen in reaction times and improvements in numerical memory tests have been noted.
  • Adding Theanine to your antipsychotics might help you not be so fucking crazy.
  • Increased Alpha Wave activity in the brain has been seen as a result of Theanine ingestion. So, you’re ability to sit still with your eyes closed while you contemplate the reasoning behind your 9th pot of coffee that morning will be significantly improved… you know… before your heart compound ruptures out of your mediastinum.
  • Theanine might be connected with improved antibacterial protein formation/increased disease fighting T-cell counts.
  • Increased dopamine and serotonin might help your lift seem less crappy. Theanine seems to help with that as well.

Where can you find Theanine?

I bet if you took all of them at once, you'd be able to pour your next cup of coffee using only your mind.
I bet if you took all of them at once, you’d be able to pour your next cup of coffee using only your mind.

If you find the right combo of coffee to theanine that makes that movie “Limitless” happen, please let me know because I still haven’t beaten Crash Bandicoot on PS1 yet.


Sprint. Kill….. why in the hell would they drop that rock on a fucking curve that you can’t see around right over top of a fucking hole? You jump over the hole and the rock hits you and you die. You don’t jump and you fall down the hole and die. You shatter the remote in your hands in a burst of pure red hatred and smash the console into your teeth over and over until the shards of plastic, bone, and shattered processors are all jammed up into a big bloody pile at your feet and then you can’t play anymore at all.




Train, H. (2015) “Theanine for Dummies.” Podunk University Journal of Bullshattery. pp. 69.


…. just google it.


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